


I only pray Heaven knows when to lift you out

by chaoticcollectorchaos_me



Series: Parabola [10]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alpha Steve Rogers, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Grieving, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Miscarriage, Omega Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 16:08:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20410555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticcollectorchaos_me/pseuds/chaoticcollectorchaos_me
Summary: In hindsight, Tony shouldn’t have been surprised by the fact that it happened, only that it took this long to happen at all.





	I only pray Heaven knows when to lift you out

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write a sad Parabola-verse story for a while, and I went to visit my friend this weekend. She just had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for three years. 
> 
> When she told me her story, I started looking up the stats on miscarriage and realized that this was such a common thing to happen to women who are trying to get pregnant all over the world. It seems so wrong to say that I'm inspired by my friend's loss to write this story but it is what happened. 
> 
> Realistically Tony, as an Omega who got pregnant later in his life would experienced this. That said, this is my attempt to explore the side of the Parabola verse where not everything is sunshine and ponies. 
> 
> Title from 10,000 days by Tool.

It all started when Tony noticed his propensity for getting headaches when he stared at his holographic projections, or any LED screens, for too long. At first he chalked it up to his blood pressure acting up again, or maybe he needed to change the prescription of his reading glasses. But after consulting JARVIS and the A.I told him that his blood pressure was within the normal range and that his glasses prescription was up to date, he started to suspect something else was up. 

Taking a pregnancy test was a lark on his part. Tony’s already in his fifties, his heats have basically stopped. It’s been two years since his last one, so Tony was basically menopausal. And although he and Steve were still very sexually active (Tony would have to be dead not to be sexually active with a mate like Steve), the chances of them conceiving again was zero to none. 

But of course, when it came to his life after Steve nothing ever went according to plan. So there Tony was, in his workshop, trying to wrap his head around the fact that he was pregnant for the fourth time in his life and at such an old age too. 

Tony smiled to himself and thought of what Steve and the boys’ reactions would be. They would be ecstatic to say the least. Their family was getting a new addition. After Morgan and Aurora’s births a couple of year back, there hasn’t been any new addition to the family. This would be an unexpected, yet greatly welcomed surprise for their family. 

Tony gently placed his hand on his flat stomach, aware that the new baby was still a clump of rapidly dividing cells somewhere in his fallopian tube, yet he swore he could feel something changing within him. Something he felt when he was pregnant with the boys all those years ago. 

Tony grinned. Maybe this time they’d finally get a girl. 

* * *

Steve walked down the steps leading to Tony’s workshop intending to fetch his mate for the night. Tony had been working since they’ve finished dinner. It was now almost midnight and Steve thought it was time to take a break because lately Tony seemed to be putting more hours in the workshop and in the offices down stairs. Whatever cutting edge, earth shattering, groundbreaking invention he was working could wait until tomorrow. 

Or maybe Steve just missed Tony. 

Ever since their vow renewal ceremony, Steve felt like they’ve become those newly-mated couples, regardless of the fact that they have been mated for 18 years. They have always been a loving couple, kissing, touching and initiating contact with each other whenever possible. Their kids would roll their eyes and make gagging sounds whenever they went out together and saw their parents holding hands and kissing like a teenaged couple that just started dating. It was all in good fun, Steve knew, he and Tony just sometimes couldn’t resist pulling their legs with their innocent displays of affections. 

He found Tony in the workshop, but not on his desk, tinkering on a prototype or anywhere near his car collections where he could sometimes be found playing around and making modifications on his cars. Steve spied the custom-made Chevy Camaro Tony was building for Ulysses’ 18th birthday was shoved in the furthest corner of the workshop, hidden under a tarp to hide it from prying eyes of their eldest son. He thought Tony would be working on it tonight, but instead Tony was laying down on the cot that a long time ago has been designated as Steve’s spot in the workshop. 

DUM-E chirped happily when he saw Steve entered the workshop. He pointed at Tony’s sleeping form with his claw, eagerly showing off his accomplishment in successfully covering Tony with a blanket without setting anything on fire. 

“Thank you, DUM-E. You’re taking really good care of Tony when I’m not here. Thanks, buddy.” Steve gently patted DUM-E’s strut as he took in Tony’s sleeping form. Steve stroked his still thick brown hair, now streaked with greys, but it didn’t diminish Tony’s beauty in Steve’s eyes. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Steve murmured, “time to wake up, unless you want a crick in your neck from sleeping here the whole night.” 

Tony groaned, slowly waking up and said blearily, “Sleep here with me. Bedroom’s too far...” 

Steve chuckled, “Been overworking yourself lately, Shellhead. We’re supposed to still be on a honeymoon.” 

Tony grinned at the reminder of the extra two weeks they spent in Maui after the rest of the family went home. “Mmm...you should remind me more. Matter of fact, you should remind me now. I’m starting to forget.” 

“I see how it is. I guess we’ve run our course then after eighteen years,” despite his words, Steve was smiling. He placed his arms on either side of Tony and leaned down, his face inches away from Tony’s smiling one. The love between them was palpable. 

“Guess so.” Tony grinned mischievously before pulling Steve further in until they’re kissing deeply. Steve felt the warmth of Tony’s mouth against his, eliciting a groan of pleasure from him. He felt Tony moaned sweetly against his lips. Even after all these years it still filled Steve with a sense of awe that this amazing, beautiful omega chose him to be his mate, to be his life partner, to be the bearer of Steve’s children. They parted after awhile and while Tony looked more awake now, there was still that softness from sleep on his face. 

“Tony, you smell different.” Steve whispered, pressing his nose into Tony’s neck and leaving small chaste kisses on his mate’s neck. 

“Is this your way of saying I stink? I admit I haven’t showered since this morning and when I was feeding Aurora her lunch today she kinda threw her lunch on me. Apparently bananas aren’t worthy of Asgardian princesses.” 

“No, no. Although now that you mention it, you do smell like banana,” Steve paused consideringly, “It feels like I’ve smelled this scent on you before.” Steve let up from his position on top of Tony, pulling Tony up with him to sit up. Tony stared at him expectantly and Steve was starting to realize that Tony was hiding something from him. 

“Tony, is there something you want to tell me?” 

Tony averted his eyes and started looking shifty like Peter did when he tried to keep a duck he found in Central Park as a pet and would have gotten away with it if the duck hadn’t laid eggs in Sam’s underwear drawers. 

“Not particularly…” 

“What’s going on, Tony?” Steve squinted his eyes at his mate, “whatever it is you can tell me.” 

“Right, I know that. It’s just that-- I don’t exactly know how to tell you, which is weird, since I’ve had to tell you this, like, three times already but still. Well, technically I only had to tell you once. The second time you found out by yourself, and the third time we found out together. I mean, I still have a hard time believing it myself. Because this, this was nothing short of a miracle, Steve…”

“Sweetheart, sweetheart, you’re rambling. Okay, let’s try this again. Tony?” 

“Yes, Steven?” 

“What’s going on? Why do you smell different?” 

“I seem to be pregnant.” 

“What.” Steve deadpanned. His enhanced hearing zeroed in on the words that just came out of Tony’s mouth and blocking out the rest of the word vomit coming out of Tony. Pregnant. Pregnant. _ Pregnant _. 

“Yeah, funny thing that. I don’t know how that happened. Well, obviously I _ know _, I was there when it happened.” Tony chuckled nervously, “what I meant was I didn’t know how it’s possible for us to get pregnant again with me, like this, you know?” 

“Like what?” 

“I’m old, Steve! Hell, all this time I thought I’ve finally entered menopause. No more pesky heat cycles for me anymore. But then this happens, so I guess I’m not.” 

“Tony...oh my God…” Steve rasped out, his blue eyes misty with unshed tears of happiness. 

“Is that-- are those happy tears? Please tell me those are happy tears.” Tony asked him. 

Steve just hugged him instead of answering, clutching Tony’s body closer to him and peppering sweet kisses on Tony’s laughing face, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, Tony. God, you’re amazing!” 

“I can officially say this is the first time anyone ever complimented me for getting knocked up.” Tony laughed. 

“If anybody other than me ever say that to you, they’re getting their ass kicked.” Steve told him and Tony laughed heartily. 

“What are we gonna do, Steve? We’re pregnant again.” 

Steve smiled in response and pressed their foreheads close and tangling their fingers together. Their mating ring clinked softly together, a reminder of their vows to each other, “We stay happy, Tony. We stay together and be happy.” 

“Sounds good to me.” Tony smiled and they kissed again, celebrating the happy news Tony just shared 

“Do you think it’ll be a girl this time?” Steve asked excitedly after they parted. 

“Fourth time’s the charm, babe.” Tony grinned in response. 

* * *

In hindsight, Tony shouldn’t have been surprised by the fact that it happened, only that it took this long to happen at all. He and Steve had been lucky so far. Guess the Fates were trying to be lenient to them after all the clusterfuck that was their lives leading up to meeting each other (and some time after that). But as the old adage said nothing lasted forever. 

He and Steve agreed to keep the pregnancy a secret until they passed the 20th week, as per usual. Nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary, since they were busy with whatever was on their own plates at the moment. Natasha and Clint have been staying in the facility Upstate for the last couple of weeks only coming back down for the weekend, training new SHIELD and Avengers recruits. Sam was called away by the VA to handle a crisis involving a veteran with a severe case of PTSD in Wyoming. Bucky went with him to back him up and accompany him. Bruce was away on a Physics conference in San Diego, giving the keynote speech and other than the Stark-Rogerses Thor was around, left behind to care for their daughter and the daily happenings on New Asgard through conference calls with Brunhilde. 

The boys just started school again after a long summer break. Needless to say, everybody was busy and the subtle change of Tony’s scent went unnoticed. If Ulysses sometimes gave his Babbo a strange look when he passed by, that was easily explained by telling them Babbo changed his aftershave. 

Steve and Tony were optimistic that they would make it to 20 weeks. Then they’d tell the rest of the family then six months later celebrate the birth of their new niece/nephew. 

But you know what they say about good intentions. 

It was ten weeks into the pregnancy when Tony started to feel something different from his other pregnancies. That morning he woke up with a throbbing sensation in his pelvis that just wouldn’t go away. Deciding not to alarm Steve, Tony decided to push that feeling aside and disregard it as phantom pains. 

Tony dropped the kids off to school while Steve went for a meeting downtown with a gallery owner who wanted to feature some of Steve’s works in their newest showing. He arrived back home around noon, just in time with Steve. They decided to go out for lunch at Steve’s favorite diner, taking one of the convertibles because it was a nice day outside. 

Tony satisfied his craving for curly fries and onion rings while Steve ate his usual meal for three people. They shared a cookies and cream milkshake with two straws, giggling and smiling dopily at each other the whole time. 

They arrived home in the early afternoon, going their separate ways: Tony to the workshop to work on Ulysses’ car and Steve to his home office to sign some paperwork that Maria just send in. Two hours into his work on Ulysses’ car, Tony felt the pain from earlier in the morning came back, and this time it was accompanied by the excruciating feeling of muscle cramps around his pelvic region. 

The pain was so great that Tony had to sit down on the floor just to pull himself together. Soon, he started to feel the dreaded sensation he hoped would never come: a trickle of wet tendrils in his inner thighs and Tony knew what had happened. 

“JARVIS, get Steve in here,” Tony called out to his AI, “tell him it’s urgent.” 

“At once, Sir.” 

Steve arrived like a herd of elephants stomping inside Tony’s workshop and breaking at least one pane of the reinforced glass that made up the workshop’s door, “Tony! JARVIS said it’s urgent. What happened?” he rushed towards where Tony was sitting splayed out on the floor. He could feel blood pooling underneath him and he saw the moment Steve realized what had happened. His mate’s eyes widened in fear, blue eyes staring at Tony in horror as he took in the sight of Tony on the floor. 

Tony looked up at Steve, deep brown eyes swimming in tears, and he looked beyond devastated and in pain. As Tony hoarsely said, “I’m sorry, Steve. I lost it.” Steve felt his heart broke along with Tony’s, grieving with him at the loss of a child they loved wholeheartedly but would never meet. 

* * *

Steve carried Tony carefully up to their room after Tony told him that the cramps have let up. Tony curled in towards Steve’s body, squeezing him tightly and the slight hitchings of his breath told Steve that his mate was holding back his tears. Tony was in pain, both physically and emotionally. Steve couldn’t even begin to imagine how heartbroken Tony was at this moment. If Steve was reeling from this loss, then Tony’s grief must be a thousand times more devastating than his. Tony was the one who had to feel his own body rejecting their baby. No, it wasn’t a baby. It was a zygote, a fertilized egg with no ability to perceive pain. It hasn’t reached viability. 

If it was just a clump of cells as science told them it was, then why did the loss hurt so bad? 

Steve reached their bedroom, bypassing the mattress and going straight to their ensuite bathroom so they could start cleaning up. Steve turned on the faucets on their ridiculously large bathtub, filling it with warm water for Tony to soak in. 

“I need-- I gotta change my pants. They’re all bloody…I’m such a mess...” Tony muttered weakly from his seat on the toilet. His brown eyes looked vacant, and it pained Steve even more to see. 

“I got it, sweetheart,” Steve knelt in front of him, gently rubbing his hands up and down Tony’s arms in an attempt to comfort him, “I’ll help you clean up. I’ve run a warm bath for you. Why don’t you hop in while I clean everything up, okay?” 

Tony raised vacant brown eyes up towards him and Steve was scared as he looked to that beloved face. He felt Tony slipping away from him with each silent tears his mate shed as he stared blankly at Steve.

“There was so much blood, Steve.” Tony whispered hoarsely, “Why was there so much blood?” 

At Tony’s question, Steve broke. The fragile dam holding his emotions together broke open at the obvious pain and distress Tony was feeling. Subconsciously, Steve knew he should be strong one. He’s not helping Tony one iota by breaking down and crying in front of him. Steve shouldn’t be the one crying, he wasn’t the one who had to feel the physical pain of losing a child, to feel that bond breaking away and helpless to do anything about it but to just let it happen. And yet, it was him who was crying. It was him who was sobbing big ugly cries, his chest heaving uncontrollably in front of his mate who was miscarrying their fourth child. A little brother or sister for Ulysses, Joe and Peter, who was gone before their brothers ever knew they existed. 

And it was Tony who was hugging him and stroking his hair gently, comfortingly, whispering soft encouraging words to him and apologizing for something that was not his fault. Steve hugged Tony closer, tighter, not finding the proper words to express the mess of emotions warring in his chest right now. But hoping, hoping against all hopes, that Tony knew he wasn’t to blame. No one was to blame. Only fate. 

Together, Steve and Tony grieved. 

* * *

Later, much later, after they’ve called Dr. Rosenberg and explained the situation, received a prescription of misoprostol and painkillers for Tony, called Happy and asked him if he would be so kind as to send one of his men to pick the boys up from school, they lied in bed together, exhausted after the whole ordeal. 

Per Dr. Rosenberg’s order Tony was to remain on bedrest until the bleeding stops, at which point he would need to come to the hospital for dilation and curretage to clean any placenta that might be left behind. They managed to present a calm and collected front in front of Dr. Rosenberg, which they abandoned the moment Steve saw the doctor off at the elevator. 

Tony curled in towards Steve in their bed, loathed as he was to be away from Steve, his sole source for comfort, and Steve seemed to share that sentiment. He hugged Tony close to his body, warm strong arms resting on Tony’s waist and his lower back, massaging the throbbing pain that was still present. Tony pressed his face closer to Steve’s neck, inhaling the deep masculine scent of his Alpha and feeling a wave of comfort wash over him at the gesture. 

“What are we gonna tell the boys?” 

Steve was silent at Tony’s question, though his hands never ceased its gentle massage of Tony’s back, “The truth. They deserve to know.” 

“And the pack?” 

“We’ll tell them when everyone’s back. Not a moment before.” 

“Okay.” Tony readily agreed, not really looking forward to rehashing the whole event with the rest of the pack. “I’m sorry I lost it, Steve. I should have known better. You don’t get lucky twice.” 

“Tony, none of this is your fault.” Steve closed his eyes and sighed heavily, “what do you mean, you don’t get lucky twice?” 

“I never told you. But this isn’t the first time I had a miscarriage.” 

“Wha--?! Tony!” 

“Okay, to be fair, that first one was more of a scare. Nothing bad happened, and I carried the baby to term.” 

“When did this happen? Where was I during all of this?” Steve was trying hard not to raise his voice, but he was starting to get upset by Tony’s duplicity. 

“When I was pregnant with Pete. And you had just been blown up by AIM and was working on regrowing 75% of the skin on the left side of your body, Steve. So forgive me if I made the executive decision not to tell you about something that wasn’t relevant anymore since Bruce had cleared me of any complications by that point. What was the point in worrying with something inconsequential?” 

“I still want to know about it, Tony. Anything and everything that concerned your and the boys’ well-being is never inconsequential to me,” Steve exhaled heavily and flopped on his back, “Promise me, from here on out, no matter how small of a matter it is, you tell me. I don’t care if you think it’s unimportant or inconsequential, I need to know. You, Tony, you and the boys, you’re my life. If one of you was hurt, I hurt too.” 

“I promise,” Tony solemnly replied and reached out with his hand to caress Steve’s left cheek. Steve covered that hand and brought it to his lips, kissing Tony’s knuckles reverently. “We’ll get through this, Steve.” 

Steve smiled at him and gently kissed his forehead in answer. 

“Sirs, Masters Ulysses, Joe and Peter have arrived from school. They’re inquiring as to your whereabouts.” JARVIS interrupted the comfortable silence they’ve immersed themselves in. 

“Tell them to come to our room, please, JARVIS.” Steve told the AI.

A few minutes later, the raucous footsteps that signalled the arrival of the buffalo herd Steve and Tony had for sons could be heard approaching the master bedroom. The bedroom door slammed open and Steve winced as the boys were apparently caught up in an argument about who would win a fight, Godzilla or King Ghidorah, if Godzilla didn’t have humans helping him. 

Steve cleared his throat as to alert the boys of their presence and the boys had the decency to sheepishly grin at their parents. 

“Sorry, Papa. We got carried away,” Joe apologized. His sharp blue eyes taking in the peculiar fact that Tony was in bed in the middle of the day and not working in the workshop. It was odd to say the least. He exchanged a bewildered look with Peter, clearly his little brother also came to the same conclusion he did. 

“What’s going on?” Ulysses asked them, trepidation seeping into his voice. 

“Sit down, boys. Babbo and I have something to tell you.” 

* * *

The boys were sad, to say the least. Though it seemed they were less sad about the absence of new sibling and more for the fact that their Babbo was sad and hurting. Peter immediately hugged Tony and refused to leave his side, attaching himself to his father like a limpet. Ulysses took over making dinner for them, a simple pasta carbonara that he knew Tony’s mother used to make him as a kid. Joe told Tony amusing stories about band practice which brought a smile to Tony’s face. The warm fuzziness in his chest and the overwhelming love Steve felt for his children at seeing how kind, how thoughtful and how compassionate they were being warm the dark recesses of his soul where grief still reside. 

But perhaps, this tragedy was what he and Tony needed to see just how blessed they already were. Three beautiful boys, the most perfect sons any father could ask for. Steve swore he would do whatever was in his power to make them feel his and Tony’s loves. 

They all ended up sleeping in the master bedroom, curled up around each other just the way they used to when the boys were still young and prone to nightmares. It was the best sleep Steve had had in years. 

The boys followed Tony around the house like a newly imprinted baby duckling for a couple of days, skipping school to stay at home and wait on Tony hand and foot. It was cute until they wanted to come to the hospital for Tony’s dilatation which was when Tony put his foot down and sent them to school instead. The boys couldn’t afford to miss anymore classes no matter how smart they think they were and Tony didn’t need an entourage to escort him to the hospital. 

That evening, the rest of the pack returned from their respective trips and Steve and Tony sat them down for a family meeting and told them all what happened. Hugs and consolations were exchanged and Sam brought out their whole catalog of ice creams and the Avengers proceeded to have an ice cream party, while watching Star Wars Episode IV. 

“Have you guys thought of having a funeral?” Clint asked after everyone settled down in their spots. 

“A funeral? For the fetus?” Tony scooped another spoon of ice cream from a carton of Rocky Road ice cream on Steve’s lap. 

“That’s a grand idea, Clint!” Thor exclaimed, “An Asgardian funeral to escort my dearly departed niece or nephew to the halls of Valhalla!” 

Steve and Tony exchanged amused looks at Thor’s words, “Is this just an excuse to set something on fire, Thor?”

Thor sputtered indignantly, “Steven, how could you? I really do want to have a ceremony. If we happen to set a Viking boat on fire, that is just incidental.” 

“That was almost convincing,” Bucky piped in. Next to him, Natasha smirked in amusement at her packmates’s antics. 

“A ceremony would be great, guys.” Tony said again, “when and where should we do this?” 

* * *

The Avengers’ upstate facility backed up to the Hudson, giving the facility the envied status of being a waterfront property. Usually nobody could be found on the banks of the Hudson, there was nothing really worth seeing. The pollution of the water had made the water less than clear, and Tony swore up and down that he once saw a fish with legs walked out of the river. Of course he was still high from the pain medication he was prescribed after the caesarean section to deliver Joe, so there was a possibility that he didn’t actually see anything. 

But tonight, the river bank was populated with people. The Avengers pack stood on the banks of the Hudson River, all dressed in funeral garb, facing a small viking-style boat carrying a small mason jar filled with the placenta and fetus Tony carried not even 12 weeks ago. The boat also carried in it flowers and unlit tealight candles. 

Tony maintained that the fetus was female, an Omega just knew these things. Plus since before 10 weeks there was no gender assignment yet, he felt it was within his right to decide that the fetus would be female. He and Steve decided to name her Sarah Marie Stark Rogers, after both of their mothers, and made a flower wreath with a metal plaque containing her name and the date she was conceived and the date Tony miscarried. Steve, Tony, Ulysses, Joe and Peter placed the wreath in the river and watched it float alongside the small boat. 

When the boat was further along the river, Clint fired off several of his fire tipped arrows towards the boat, hitting the fuse and lighting all the tealight candles on the boat. After it sailed further down the river, Thor hit the hilt of Stormbreaker to the ground twice and the boat carrying Sarah Marie levitated and flew into the night sky. 

“Bye, baby girl,” Tony said in farewell, a silent tear rolled down his cheek. He felt Steve’s arm wrapped around his shoulder and he placed his head down on Steve’s shoulder. Peter hugged him tightly, burying his face in Tony’s chest as he felt Joe joined in on the hug from behind. Ulysses stood on Steve’s other side, his Papa’s other hand wrapped around his shoulder. Ulysses’ face was solemn but his glassy eyes betrayed his austere expression as he kept his eyes trained on the flying boat carrying his sister away. 

Steve gently kissed Tony’s forehead and gathered his family closer. Through loss and tragedy, they stayed together and grew closer together. Sarah Marie may not be with them physically, but she would always be remembered by those she left behind. 

_ Alright now _ , Steve thought, sending a silent prayer, _ it’s time for you to go back home, angel. Watch over us. _

_Fetch me the Spirit, the Son and the Father_   
_Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended_   
_It's time now!_   
_My time now!_   
_Give me my wings!_

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me...


End file.
